And cats really are the best pets you could possibly consider.
We don’t crap on the rug, we don’t piss on the floor when strangers knock and we don’t dig sanitary napkins out of the bathroom trash leaving yucky shreds of mess around the house.
Cats are mobile but all cats should be kept in the house. Even though we want to go outside, you the human must remember that we’re just exercising our natural instincts here. The great outdoors is a very dangerous place for cats.
So if you’re considering what would be the perfect pet, get a cat. We’ll love you just as much as any dog wood (yes, that’s a play on words you’re so smart) and the only better kind of pet you could get, a goldfish in a bowl, would fit in nicely for our day to day entertainment.
– Chow Mein
Dear Chow Mein, I have a hard time getting past the pet department of the discount store. There are so many great looking toys for cats and I have a hard time choosing. Can you give me any advice?
Thanks, Cat Toy Freak
… Dear Freak,
The best toy I’ve ever played with are the little fake mice made out of rabbit fur. They usually come in six-packs and I can cup one of those suckers in my paws and toss it into the air with great ease. It’s a toy I can play with myself without my human having to tie something up to the door frame, or swish around above my head.
And its an educational toy too, and one that meets my sub-cortex training to kill. I’m an indoor cat so there’s not much kill training in my household.
But they do get lost and my human has to buy more for me every other month or so. So stock up!
Dear Chow Mein, my cat Kitty seems to want to eat only certain things. I buy a food-pack, with chicken, beef and fish flavors and Kitty turns her nose up at the beef. What’s the beef?
sincerely, Kitty’s mother
…Dear Kitty’s Mother,
Think about this for a sec. Can you picture your Kitty hunting down cows in a field? Me neither. Birds yes, fish maybe, but cows? You should donate the beef flavors to a shelter. I’m sure there’s a bunch of dogs that would love it.
Dear Chow Mein, I prefer dogs. Cats are so, well, “catlike.” Dogs are so much more like people. Is there any way that cats can be more like dogs?
yours truly, a dog lover
… Well there Dog lover, we’re glad to hear that you prefer dogs because cats can never be like dogs. Actor cats can behave like dogs but they’re doing that for the pay-treats. Wild cats can never be like dogs because dogs eat wild cats, although I’m pretty sure a wild cat would certainly try to eat a dog, except birds are so much tastier. House cats rule the home whether you think so or not and they are insulted if you choose to have a dog too.
What can I say. Cats would never stoop to appeasing to your desire for love and attention at all costs by an animal. We’re above that.
Dear Chow Mein, My kitty keeps hiding under my bed. I have to use a broom handle to get him out all the time. What can I do?
Sincerely, Mr. Skittish’s owner
….Well Mr. Skittish’s owner. We suggest you take that broom handle and [censured].
After which we’re hoping that you tell someone else who will call the SPCA on you!
Being that this post is going to end up at the bottom of the blog, it should really be titled “You read through this whole blog??? Good for you but you really need to get out and do something. 
